surgical update

well, I saw a new surgeon last week, and he questioned the thinking of both my prior surgeons decisions. He asked why my first did not perform a seton surgery instead of a fistuloctomy, because the Seton (all though more painful and long) has a lower chance of causing incontinence then a fistuloctomy. And he asked why my last surgeon gave me an ileostomy instead of a colostomy. We did not know, and therefore had no answers. Though he did not say it directly, it sounded like he thought both my surgeons made mistakes (aside from the one we already knew my most recent one made). So now, Mom and I are to get together all of my medical records from both surgeons and surgeries including pictures of tests they performed like my ultrasound, and bring them in or fax them to him, then see him to see what he can do for me (if anything) in about 2 weeks. well, that's my life and what's been going on for me.

feelings

I know that I am not the only one who has the same or similar problems as I do, or have the same feelings, worries, or thoughts that I do. Then why do I feel so alone? Am I the only one who assumes way too much, who overreacts, manipulates and lies to get their way? Am I the only one who sometimes can’t stand themselves for the things they think and/or do to themselves and/or others. How is it that I can be so extremely selfish one minute and so caring and selfless the next. All I want is to feel normal, to not feel like I’m some kind of outcast. I want to have the same kind of lifestyle as my peers. I want to be back in school studying, doing homework, and making good grades. I want to be able to drive, and go where I want when I want. I want to be completely independent, and not ever need anyone (human of course, I’ll always need God) for anything. Sometimes I feel like a terrible person, and others I feel great about myself. I am sincerely worried about my abilities to pursue my dreams of being a special education teacher because of my severe impatience. I feel as if I would be more patient with these special children, but am worried that I wouldn’t. There are many different things that I am good at, but either they’re talents that are unrealistic to pursue a career in such as singing and acting, or they are things I don’t enjoy enough to see myself having a career with them like writing. Above all I wish I could have more patience with in my life, and how quickly I obtain my goals. I also need to learn how to be okay alone. Whenever I am alone I get depressed, sad, and bored. Most of the time I feel as if I need to be entertained 24/7, but there are other times I just don’t feel like moving or doing anything, and I have to literally force myself or do something somewhat drastic to do something or get something done. Anyways, I just felt like getting all this off my chest and into words. So there it is.

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